Happy holidays

Its Christmas week once more, and may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very
merry holiday season, and I hope you all have a job to return to in January.

Not the most cheery of greetings, but one that will ring a bell with many, and
those many most definitely wont be hearing sleigh bells this year.

But we must make the most of it, and so as you sit on Christmas morning, burning
the packaging from the kids presents as you can’t afford to run the heating, raise a
glass of Aldi’s mulled wine to our intrepid TD’s as they begin their, so they think,
well deserved 40 day break, safe in the knowledge that they have another four years
on the gravy train before we get another chance to be rid of them. Although with our
track record we will simply vote for the same old names and give them another four
years to cock things up further.

And lets not end the cheer there, while you sit down to your Bernhard Mathew’s
turkey breast roast, raise a frozen sprout in prayer that with the coming of 2009
you may find yourself with a decent wage, or at least around €9 an hour and think of
how much work our poor TD’s have to do to earn around €200 - €250 per hour. This of
course takes into account them actually turning up at the Dáil for all of the 96
days it happens be open, and work there for a full eight hour day.

I am of course taking into account all the tax free expenses that our beloved
leaders get to claim on top of their wages, with one of the highest, clocking in at
a massive €89,705 total expenses and allowances is Mr eloquence himself, Jackie
‘nobody can understand a feckin word I say’ Healy-Rae. Perhaps he should consider
putting some of those expenses towards speech therapy, maybe then he would be less
of an embarrassment to the whole country, although a change of hat would probably be
required as well.

Another who has now recently hit the big numbers with €54,705 is Bertie ‘now that
I’m not Taoiseach I have to buy my own brown envelopes’ Ahern, which he has knocked
up in a measly six months.

It doesn’t take me to point out that in the current state the country is in,
figures of this calibre are not just crazy but completely immoral, perhaps it does
need said though that even if the country were not in the present condition figures
like that would continue to be immoral, particularly for the gaggle of incompetents
we laughingly call our elected leaders.

It is of course Christmas and I had said last week I would try to find something
positive to look on, well so far 68 less people have been killed on our roads this
year than last year, though this is probably because nobody can afford to drink and
drive any more.

This little piggy

For once Brian ‘this little piggy went to market’ Cowan moved with alarming speed
during the recent dietary disaster. What we have to ask is was this for the good of
the general public or was it because when he was told there was trouble with the
pigs he thought Mary ‘this little piggy stayed at home’ Coughlan, Mary ‘this little
piggy had roast beef’ Harney, Micheál ‘this little piggy had none’ Martin and John
‘this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home’ Gormley were in the shit
again. We shall have to wait for the biography to find out.

Whatever the reason he did act fast, but now is being attacked for his unusually
un-sloth like reactions to crisis’. I can’t bring myself to disagree with the
decision, I am for transparency in government, and I am not talking about Mary
Harney’s underwear, but I can’t help but laugh a hearty side splitting laugh at Alan
Reilly’s comment that leaving the meat on the shelves would have resulted in them
being ‘lambasted for being irresponsible, and in all probability we’d be out of a
job.’ Alan, none of them should still have a job, what harm would a few contaminated
sausages have done to the government’s reputation.

Well the hams are back on the shelves and so there is nothing to spoil our
Christmas, except of course spiralling unemployment, growing repossessions, a health
service that won’t be able to cope with the winter rush and of course charity
collectors.

I am not uncharitable, even though Scottish, but I would enjoy being able to walk
more than twenty feet along the street without some fool waving a collection box,
clipboard or scratch card in my face. Even going into my local supermarket I am
forced to pay two euro’s extra for my six pack so that some snotty kid can put it in
a bag for me, and then a further two to the pathetic looking woman collecting at the
door.

I don’t want to sound like scrooge, but let’s face it, not being a TD, I have to
pay my own postage for my Christmas cards, and not being a TD, if I was rich enough
to have a second home in Dublin, I would have to pay for it myself.

The festive season is upon us so I am going to stop complaining now and look on
the bright side. Nope sorry I can’t find one, perhaps next week.

It could be worse

I have decided to take a philosophical view point this week, and why is this, well
I’ll tell you. I have a healthy distrust of opinion polls, they are conducted by
students and people who can’t get a proper job, and the questions are answered by
the sort of person whose opinion is generally not worth the ink it takes to tick the
boxes. I am of course talking of the recent Irish Times poll which states that twice
as many people would prefer Bertie ‘I had a major hand in the shit we are in but got
out before that said same brown stuff hit the whirly thing on the ceiling’ Ahern to
be leading the country than Brian ‘even David Blunkett has nightmares after meeting
me’ Cowan.

And so I will not complain that Mary Harney can’t find a few million to protect
our daughters from cervical cancer. Neither will I consider drawing attention to the
fact that our children are going to school in dilapidated portacabins, into which
will soon be squeezed so many pupils that each teacher will have to be given a daily
snort of speed to be able to call the roll before lunch.

And why should I not mention these facts in a derogatory fashion towards the
imbeciles that are running and have previously run the country, because, and this
may sound harsh, we are the imbeciles that vote them in, continue to vote them in,
and we are the ones with the memories of a dementia patient, and so what is the use.

In the last general election we managed to vote in a government that comprises of
the same old turkeys joined up with a party that was going out of business quicker
than a porn star with premature ejaculation, a political party that would have
afternoon tea with Osama Bin Laden as long as he didn’t turn up in a 4 x 4, and
somebody from Kerry that nobody can understand.

So how on earth could things be worse? How could we possibly be more stupid and
misguided? What could we do to ourselves that is more self destructive? We could be
Janella Spears. No she’s not the long lost, drug addicted, alcoholic, sister of
Brittany returning looking for a stabilising influence, she is the fool of a woman
who has over the past three years sent a total of over $400,000 to Nigerian internet
scammers. And although she is American, she must have an Irish voters streak, she
was warned off by the police, the FBI, and the bank, though we can all understand
why she ignored a bankers advice, she continued to send the money, just incase the
pay off happened to come.

Rejoice all you out there who put pen to paper, or answered answers in a poll, at
least you can say there is at least one person in the world more stupid.