No for a change it’s not Bertie Ahern we are wondering about, with his bumbling at
the Mahon tribunal. Nor are we asking if Brian Cowan has mismanaged the country or
both he and Brian Lenihan’s bungling of the economy. And for once we are not even
asking if Mary Harney has totally cocked up the HSE or is she just incapable.
All of the above are of course completely embarrassing for the country, but the
latest embarrassment of the highest order is Denis Lynch and the Olympic sport of
being a prat.
So guilty or just stupid, does it really matter, the embarrassment is the same
whether cheat or idiot. Either Ireland’s athletes are drawn into disrepute for using
dodgy tricks or they are looked on as being so thick that the words, ‘banned
substance’, don’t have any meaning.
It seems though that using the stupidity defence is the way to go, along with
Denis, Maria McMahon and Andrew Bree should perhaps learn to read the labels.
Perhaps it’s best to call the whole thing off and have our athletes compete in an
appropriate competition, and so I am proud to announce the upcoming inaugural
Scotsman in Ireland Bar Room Olympics.
All will be glad to know that in the Bar Room Olympics the use of performance
enhancement substances is not only allowed, it is actively encouraged. Of course
with the level of alcohol found in Michelle De Bruin’s urine sample she would have
to remain banned.
So in a short four years time the sacred candle in a Chianti bottle will be lit and the first
games shall begin.
There shall be many events within the games, of course darts and pool tournaments
a plenty along with the less well known games of, the ten yard three pint shuffle,
and the bar mat flipping.
The second hour will see the downing the shot and synchronised tequila slamming.
A short fag break will follow to allow the athletes to prepare for the second half.
The second half could start to get messy, which is why the famous ten minute talk
drivel has been left till then. Kicking off shortly after is two rounds of bad
language and shoulder shuffling.
Heading towards the closing ceremony we enter the wet area with the five yard
hurl followed swiftly by the candle being blown out and the final event of the
night, the flinging out of the door.
All the athletes will then be expected to hang about outside the door, smoking
fags, shouting at strangers and telling all the other athletes they love them.
I look forward to your applications, and all being well, perhaps Bertie will be
on the pundit panel.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Have they looked out of the window
There never seems to be any end to the government’s wasting of money. There are
cutbacks a plenty in all areas of public spending, but still the public purse seems
to be freely open for the mad, bad and ridiculous.
Dublin city council have recently released records which admits that it spent
nearly €450k on foreign junkets for councillors, that would pay for a lot of
trolleys, sorry beds I should say, for the HSE. If they need to have a ‘knowledge
exchange’ with somebody in Beijing, surely they have heard of that new invention,
the telephone, or perhaps there has been a cap put on the phone bills.
We have paid in the region of €3 million to store voting machines that are
useless and will never be used, even the other €1.8 million that has been paid to
yet another commission, to produce two reports on e-voting, hasn’t made them
useable. That would amount to eight years of trips for Dublin City Council to Las
Vegas, and still leave enough for the cabinet to have a tea party.
The government is even paying private companies silly money to store paper
records for them, and pay each time they want to access them. Surely a few good
computers could do the job as easy. Aideen Ireland, of the National Archives
questioned the viability of digital storage with this statement, ‘Storing data on
electronic disk is truly one of the most impermanent modes of retention. The digital
world moves so quickly, and systems need to be constantly updated. We would need to
ensure the records would still be accessible in 50 years’ time. Good quality paper
lasts a lot longer in the right conditions.’ That is basically a long winded way of
saying we can’t trust the staff not to leave their laptops at bus stops.
The most ridiculous waste of public funds at present has to be the recent radio
advertisements for Dublin water. It does state that it is the most extravagant
advert ever made, and that it is. How stupid do we have to be, to think at this
point, that we would in any way need waste Dublin’s water by watering our lawns.
Look out of the window guys, at present I have a cow swimming past.
cutbacks a plenty in all areas of public spending, but still the public purse seems
to be freely open for the mad, bad and ridiculous.
Dublin city council have recently released records which admits that it spent
nearly €450k on foreign junkets for councillors, that would pay for a lot of
trolleys, sorry beds I should say, for the HSE. If they need to have a ‘knowledge
exchange’ with somebody in Beijing, surely they have heard of that new invention,
the telephone, or perhaps there has been a cap put on the phone bills.
We have paid in the region of €3 million to store voting machines that are
useless and will never be used, even the other €1.8 million that has been paid to
yet another commission, to produce two reports on e-voting, hasn’t made them
useable. That would amount to eight years of trips for Dublin City Council to Las
Vegas, and still leave enough for the cabinet to have a tea party.
The government is even paying private companies silly money to store paper
records for them, and pay each time they want to access them. Surely a few good
computers could do the job as easy. Aideen Ireland, of the National Archives
questioned the viability of digital storage with this statement, ‘Storing data on
electronic disk is truly one of the most impermanent modes of retention. The digital
world moves so quickly, and systems need to be constantly updated. We would need to
ensure the records would still be accessible in 50 years’ time. Good quality paper
lasts a lot longer in the right conditions.’ That is basically a long winded way of
saying we can’t trust the staff not to leave their laptops at bus stops.
The most ridiculous waste of public funds at present has to be the recent radio
advertisements for Dublin water. It does state that it is the most extravagant
advert ever made, and that it is. How stupid do we have to be, to think at this
point, that we would in any way need waste Dublin’s water by watering our lawns.
Look out of the window guys, at present I have a cow swimming past.
Monday, August 11, 2008
How to help the environment
The scourge of ‘Global Warming’ and ‘Climate Change’ is upon us, and the social
worker fingerings and capital letters only go to show how serious a subject this is.
So what can we do to reverse this worrying trend? Let’s have the Green Party in
Government, and please let’s not be cynical and think that the Greens are only in
government because the PD’s cocked up the election.
It should be noted that although the Green Party come out with some, dare I say
ridiculous, ideas, they are thankfully yet to follow in the policies of one famous
Green politician, Radovan Karadzic, and consider genocide as a legitimate way of
reducing a countries carbon footprint.
John Gormley’s Department of the Environment has declared war on littering in
Dublin, with a scheme, funded with €200,000, of billboards on the streets with anti
litter warnings. Not only has this scheme caused problems with the roll out of the
‘free bike scheme’, but it has been slated as ‘a blot on the landscape’ and ‘the
biggest litter blight we have had on the city’s streets in a long time’ by Ciaran
Cuffe of, you guessed it, the Green Party. John you really should keep an eye on
what those Greens are up too.
If you are serious about helping the environment though, I can see no better way
than dealing with that most devastating blight on the landscape, the ‘animal rights
activist’.
If the wellington wearing activists went to work, say picking up litter, or
better still, give them a shovel, a wheel barrow and a ticket to Haulbowline, they
could do more good for the environment.
Unfortunately they don’t see it that way and seem to think that protesting
outside restaurants that sell meat, and harassing children on their way to the
circus is doing their bit.
They of course won’t be happy until we all follow in their footsteps, wear
wellingtons, wax jackets and eat sprouts. This last part of course would be the most
dangerous part for our future survival into the future, a world populated by the
bean and sprout eating fraternity would surely produce so much methane after every
meal that the ice caps wouldn’t just retreat, it would be a full scale rout.
With the danger from the vegetable eating ones on the rise I have decided to
produce the Scotsman in Ireland recipe page, I hope the recipes which shall feature
there will help keep the population on a meat eating diet.
I’m doing my bit, I’m of to the shops in my 4 x 4, to buy a steak.
worker fingerings and capital letters only go to show how serious a subject this is.
So what can we do to reverse this worrying trend? Let’s have the Green Party in
Government, and please let’s not be cynical and think that the Greens are only in
government because the PD’s cocked up the election.
It should be noted that although the Green Party come out with some, dare I say
ridiculous, ideas, they are thankfully yet to follow in the policies of one famous
Green politician, Radovan Karadzic, and consider genocide as a legitimate way of
reducing a countries carbon footprint.
John Gormley’s Department of the Environment has declared war on littering in
Dublin, with a scheme, funded with €200,000, of billboards on the streets with anti
litter warnings. Not only has this scheme caused problems with the roll out of the
‘free bike scheme’, but it has been slated as ‘a blot on the landscape’ and ‘the
biggest litter blight we have had on the city’s streets in a long time’ by Ciaran
Cuffe of, you guessed it, the Green Party. John you really should keep an eye on
what those Greens are up too.
If you are serious about helping the environment though, I can see no better way
than dealing with that most devastating blight on the landscape, the ‘animal rights
activist’.
If the wellington wearing activists went to work, say picking up litter, or
better still, give them a shovel, a wheel barrow and a ticket to Haulbowline, they
could do more good for the environment.
Unfortunately they don’t see it that way and seem to think that protesting
outside restaurants that sell meat, and harassing children on their way to the
circus is doing their bit.
They of course won’t be happy until we all follow in their footsteps, wear
wellingtons, wax jackets and eat sprouts. This last part of course would be the most
dangerous part for our future survival into the future, a world populated by the
bean and sprout eating fraternity would surely produce so much methane after every
meal that the ice caps wouldn’t just retreat, it would be a full scale rout.
With the danger from the vegetable eating ones on the rise I have decided to
produce the Scotsman in Ireland recipe page, I hope the recipes which shall feature
there will help keep the population on a meat eating diet.
I’m doing my bit, I’m of to the shops in my 4 x 4, to buy a steak.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Alibi of the year award
Following on from last weeks bravery award, I am proud to announce the winner of the
Scotsman in Ireland Alibi of the Year Award, but first lets look at some that didn’t
quite make it.
Special commendation must be given to Bertie Ahern’s, ‘I didn’t receive a shit
load of money from anybody, I won it on the horses.’
Of course Brian Lenihan’s excuse for the economy being in the brown stuff, goes
along the lines of, it wasn’t me, it was some other incompetent before me. Perhaps
he should remember that the incompetent before him is now Taoiseach, bodes well for
the future, don’t you think?
I can only imagine, with the health service not actually being in the brown
stuff, but being saturated with it, that Mary Harney must be saying that it wasn’t
my fault, I didn’t notice anything, I was eating a bun at the time.
There can be no legitimate alibi given by Tesco’s or Dunne’s to explain why it
has taken till shoppers have started to move allegiance to the cut price retailers,
for them to start cutting prices in their stores, other than, ‘we were ripping the
piss, but now we’ve been caught!’
Radovan Karadzic, is sure to use the alibi that he couldn’t have committed
genocide as he was on tour with the Dubliners at the time, and definitely will be in
the running for next years award. He has though picked up third prize in the Santa
lookalike competition, he may have got first if he hadn’t insisted that a
Kalashnikov is a legitimate present.
A little known one, and of course a complete lie, is the excuse letter written to
Winston Churchill, by one Adolph Hitler, stating that it couldn’t have been him that
invaded France as he was too busy invading several other countries at the time.
But let us move on to the winner of this prestigious award. It must of course go
to Barry George with, 'I didn't kill Dando - I was stalking another woman'
Thankfully, it has come out due to an extreme miscarriage of justice being
overturned, though lets be honest it cannot be attributed the same status as the
Birmingham Six, the Maguire Seven, or the Guildford Four, but a miscarriage it most
definitely was, and a worthy winner of the award.
With all this in mind, and in the spirit of the public good, I have put together
a few unused alibis which you are free to use as the circumstance arises.
‘No dear, I didn’t sleep with that woman, I was with a prostitute.’ and ‘Of
course he’s your child, he just has a good tan.’
Scotsman in Ireland Alibi of the Year Award, but first lets look at some that didn’t
quite make it.
Special commendation must be given to Bertie Ahern’s, ‘I didn’t receive a shit
load of money from anybody, I won it on the horses.’
Of course Brian Lenihan’s excuse for the economy being in the brown stuff, goes
along the lines of, it wasn’t me, it was some other incompetent before me. Perhaps
he should remember that the incompetent before him is now Taoiseach, bodes well for
the future, don’t you think?
I can only imagine, with the health service not actually being in the brown
stuff, but being saturated with it, that Mary Harney must be saying that it wasn’t
my fault, I didn’t notice anything, I was eating a bun at the time.
There can be no legitimate alibi given by Tesco’s or Dunne’s to explain why it
has taken till shoppers have started to move allegiance to the cut price retailers,
for them to start cutting prices in their stores, other than, ‘we were ripping the
piss, but now we’ve been caught!’
Radovan Karadzic, is sure to use the alibi that he couldn’t have committed
genocide as he was on tour with the Dubliners at the time, and definitely will be in
the running for next years award. He has though picked up third prize in the Santa
lookalike competition, he may have got first if he hadn’t insisted that a
Kalashnikov is a legitimate present.
A little known one, and of course a complete lie, is the excuse letter written to
Winston Churchill, by one Adolph Hitler, stating that it couldn’t have been him that
invaded France as he was too busy invading several other countries at the time.
But let us move on to the winner of this prestigious award. It must of course go
to Barry George with, 'I didn't kill Dando - I was stalking another woman'
Thankfully, it has come out due to an extreme miscarriage of justice being
overturned, though lets be honest it cannot be attributed the same status as the
Birmingham Six, the Maguire Seven, or the Guildford Four, but a miscarriage it most
definitely was, and a worthy winner of the award.
With all this in mind, and in the spirit of the public good, I have put together
a few unused alibis which you are free to use as the circumstance arises.
‘No dear, I didn’t sleep with that woman, I was with a prostitute.’ and ‘Of
course he’s your child, he just has a good tan.’
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