I've got a nut allergy but i'm still coming in

No you’re not, sorry if I am going to accidentally kill somebody I would prefer to do it outside of work.

So now we have to list allergens on everything, why? Are you not sure?

I will now list the allergens in fancy bullet points because I have found another button.

• Celery, it’s the devils vegetable anyway.
• Gluten, bad one, avoid the bread.
• Eggs, not good, avoid the omelette.
• Fish, easy to avoid unless you live in Dingle.
• Lupin, nobody knows what the hell that is so unlucky if you’re allergic.
• Milk, don’t order the latté.
• Molluscs, or are you just being shellfish, oh god did I just type that?
• Mustard, are you serious, no mayo, you poor bastard.
• Peanuts, not good, no snickers, though I still call them marathons, but I’m old school.
• Sesame seeds, just avoid there huphalump, or have I got that wrong?
• Shellfish, is that not the same as molluscs?
• Soya, Jesus if you’re an allergic vegetarian you’re in the shit.
• Tree nuts, don’t climb trees and avoid Nutella.
• Sulphur dioxide, it’s a preservative, don’t eat shit pre packed food.

I could be wrong, but I think I have just written the allergic survival manual. I know these conditions can be severe, and I am thankful that the only thing I am allergic to is twats, but do we have to put it all down in print, just in case you had forgotten that ordering the satay is a bad idea!

Again it seems to me that we are putting our time and well spent public service energy into creating new legislation for idiots.

This is either a health and safety bollocks, or as I think another bullshit legislation to let the insurance companies of the hook. I may be wrong but I think ‘Beware the ides of March’, is in the small print of my life insurance policy.

I no longer believe that we are part of a police state, we are part of a protect the idiots state. We have a caution contents may be hot on the side of a coffee cup, thanks, I was just about to pour it over my head, we might as well have a caution contents may be cold on the side of an ice cream tub.

We have ‘may contain nuts’ warnings on packets of peanuts, well I would hope so, you never quite know what you’re going to find in there. We have authorised personal only on gates with big padlocks on them, not sure, but I recon the authorised people are the ones with the keys to the padlock.

There are obviously a good few people that missed that physics lesson, but having to put an ‘electricity may cause death’ sign on the door of an electricity substation is really pandering to the idiots. Forgive me if I’m wrong but if you break into said substation and lick some humming wires you are an idiot and I for one have no interest in paying my taxes for your special education, padded cell, hospital bill or funeral.

I have thought of a few of my own that I think should be brought into legislation the next time some civil servant is bored with nothing to do. That should be today then I suppose.

I have listed them here in bullet points, they were supposed to be fancy but the buttons didn't work.

1. Contents may bight, on the jaw of a dog.
2. Contents may cause an erection, on the strap of a bra.
3. Contents may cause you to fall down stairs, on the side of a beer bottle.
4. Contents may cause pregnancy, on boxer shorts. (I kept that clean and didn’t mention cocks.)
5. Contents may make you ill, on the packaging of any frozen meal.
6. Contents may contain delusional idiots, on the door of any church.

I know my list is verging on the idiotic, but are they really any worse than what’s out there? What is wrong is there are actual idiots, apart from me, being paid to make this shit up. Just stop it, there is a lot of stuff in this country that needs fixing, if we put the energy into fixing that stuff instead of producing an idiot charter perhaps life for all would be better. As for me I’m off to climb an ESB pylon to see what’s at the top.

10 things that realy piss me off!

I know what you’re thinking, one is it possible for him to have a list only ten long, and two if so how anal will that ten be.

To answer those questions in order, yes I could have a top 100 things that piss me off without breaking a sweat, but all the typing would make my fingers hurt, and that really pisses me off, though it’s not in the top ten. As to how anal they will be, in short very.

Since it transpires that I have become some sort of techie I will continue in bullet points, if I can     re-find the button!

1. Fashionably trimmed facial hair. Now I sport a beard, well in truth it is supposed to be a number two cut, but let’s be honest that is true about one day a month, the rest of the time it’s your standard scraggly beard until I am told it’s too much and I get round to trimming it. Why is this, because I don’t tend to look in mirrors, they are the devils creation, and I’m lazy and scruffy. That’s what a beard is for, once you start fannying around with it and trimming it into strange shapes with bits missing, and bits longer than others, and bits pleated, and bits with ribbons in, you’re just going for fashion. And what you are doing is just pissing me off.
2. People who take 10 minutes to light a fag. It may have passed your notice, but I am a smoker, probably will be until I die, which being a smoker might not be that far down the road, but again a cigarette is a weapon of self-destruction, not a fashion symbol, if you’re not a smoker, don’t, either take the thing, light it, smoke it and throw it away, otherwise, you guessed it, you’re just going to piss me off and I could kill you quicker than cancer.
3.  Stupid handshakes and Irish people who say ‘Dude’. Do I really have to go any further, well if I must? I live in Cork, not Harlem, if I meet somebody I really don’t want them slapping my hand five times and the punching me on the fist, a good strong handshake will suffice, a hug or a kiss on the cheek is acceptable, but perhaps getting a bit French. Anything else is just ridiculous, and if you call me Dude, I will have to get Harlem on you because you will have just seriously pissed me off.
4. People who wear hats once a month. It has been mentioned, not sixteen lines hence, it was fifteen if you care to count, about my scruffyness, I where a hat all the time, well not at work or in bed. It’s not a fashion statement, hats aren’t meant to be, there basically to cover up the fact that you’re too scruffy to brush your hair. They don’t make you look cool or hip, they make you look like your trying to sell somebody a horse.
5. Not knowing if someone is overweight or pregnant. Sorry girls could you not just wear a badge or something, it really would save a lot of time and embarrassment. Well it saves my time trying to figure it out, and your embarrassment when I obviously am going to get it totally arse over fist.
6. Fat children wearing tracksuit. Let’s be honest I find tracksuit in general reprehensible. If you’re not on a field of play, or perhaps a track of some sort, don’t wear the bloody things. If you can’t run and you can’t fit a normal pair trousers just do what the builders do, which brings me quite nicely to number 7.
7. People who have their underwear showing above there trousers. Not quite the same as builders who usually have their breakfast showing above their trousers. Lads put a bloody belt on, I don’t care if their Calvin Kline (or whatever it is), or Giorgio Armani, (isn’t Wikipedia great). The whole culture of your trousers round your knees came about in prison where you were not allowed a belt, on the street it doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like a twat, and just in case I forgot to mention it, your pissing me off no end.
8. Women who wear high heels and have to walk like ducks. Sorry girls, it’s not a good look. The extra height might accentuate your legs when you are standing still, and only if you start off with legs. Unfortunately the second you move, which to be honest is ninety percent of the time you look like the aforementioned twat, just a female version, and while we are on the subject your pants on view above your trousers doesn’t say alluring either.
9. Wearing pyjamas outside. Are you insane, pyjamas are bed attire a bit like being naked, (unless your German), silky negligee (I’m told there’s such a thing), and onesies (spellchecker just went into overdrive). If you wear pyjamas to the shops you are obviously unemployed and not on the lookout for a job. It’s not big or smart and you are just putting my pissedofemometer into over drive.

 Yea I know that’s, only nine, basically because number ten is people who give out all the time about the things that piss them off. Oh god I hate myself. I know all ten have been very trivial and mostly on fashion, being the hip and trendy dude that I am, if they weren’t so trivial though they would have a blog all to themselves. So that was my first ten, I have a long list yet and I hope between us we can get to the magic hundred.

Happy something day

Just to prove I’m not hard, jaded or just a complete bastard, I thought I would do a post on the most extolled day off, Saint Hallmark Day.

Sorry I meant to say ‘Saint Valentine’s Day’ or whatever it is.

Even the bloody Christians don’t know who saint valentine was and now we have a day for him.

Yes it has been stated that I am an atheist, so I might not be the best candidate to rule on this matter but I think having a holy day so that a greetings card company can make a squillion isn’t quite Christian, or maybe it is, they did create Christmas just around the busiest shopping time, or was it just a rehash of a pagan ceremony, I think the jury is out.

For once I’m actually not having a go at the church, no honestly, I don’t blame them for this one, I blame commercialisation, which is obviously the devils work and not within the remit of the baby Jesus.

I don’t want everybody thinking that I am devoid of romance, I too bought my beloved a present on that fateful day, it now hangs from the wall in our living room, and no it wasn’t handcuffs.

Yes I am an idiot, and this post is a bit late, but no, we now have Mothering Sunday, or mother’s day as we now know it, or not. Yep, Mothering Sunday is a Christian holy day, celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent, don’t talk to a Scotsman about Lent, sorry thought I’d typed lent! It celebrates the mother of the church, but funnily it is the saint’s day of Saint John Climacus, who is obviously was not a mother, but we will deal with gay adoption in a latter post.

So what’s next, father’s day, sibling’s day, even parents day, (surely that covers both, are they getting two bloody days). But all of these have days in America, I know we have a Father’s Day here, but stop it. There seems to be more ‘days’ than there are days in the year, and they seem to be another reason to buy somebody a card or a present for some made up bull.

But let’s be honest, none of this is what I am really talking about. Now I have in the last few weeks alienated other bloggers, wearers of track suits, all religions, Leo Veradcar, people who own dogs, water protesters, Ronan O’Gara and the majority of my friends and family. Let’s go for the full house.

Happy Saint bloody Patrick’s Day! Yes I’ve said it, at least now I’m not so worried about upsetting the Muslims.

Don’t worry I’m not even going to mention that Ireland’s most revered person, apart from Bertie Ahern, was Welsh, and why, I’m not adverse to a few cheap shots. Well it’s because nobody bloody has a clue, there is more chance that he was actually English, though according to ‘Catholic Online’ he was born just outside Dumbarton in Scotland, that makes him practically a Glaswegian, in which case he should be the patron saint of being drunk, smelling of whisky, and stabbing people, and that’s obviously not the case.

No what he seems to be is the patron saint of wearing stupid green hats, (his original vestments would have been blue), and vomiting in the street. Apart from the green hats perhaps the Glaswegian history is true.

Unfortunately he is also the patron saint of our politicians having a nice holiday paid by us. I will reproduce our ministers destinations last year, one, for the usual outrage, and two because I have just learned how to cut and paste, what buttons will I discover in the future?

North America

Chicago, Indiana, New York and Washington DC – Taoiseach Enda Kenny

Canada – Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs Eamon Gilmore

New York – Minister for Social Protection Joan Burton

West Coast USA – Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation Richard Bruton

Atlanta – Minister for Arts, Heritage and the Gaeltacht Jimmy Deenihan

Boston – Minister for Children and Youth Affairs, Frances Fitzgerald

UK

Birmingham and London – Minister for Transport, Tourism and Sport Leo Varadkar and Minister of State for Tourism and Sport Michael Ring

Glasgow & Edinburgh – Minister of State for Gaeltacht Affairs Dinny McGinley

Continental Europe

France – Minister for Finance Michael Noonan

Italy – Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources Pat Rabbitte

Benelux – Minister Agriculture, Food and the Marine Simon Coveney

Germany – Minister of State at the Department of Defence and Government Chief Whip Paul Kehoe

Finland and Sweden – Minister of State for Small Business John Perry

Asia

China – Minister of State for Training and Skills Ciaran Cannon

Singapore – Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Brendan Howlin

Australia

Australia and New Zealand – Minister for Justice and Defence Alan Shatter

Are we having a laugh, well no were not, but sending the justice minister to Australia, don’t want to mention, Australia, criminals and all that, I need somebody to still like me.

I do feel sorry for Dinny McGinley, but it’s maybe his own fault for speaking Gaelic, they thought he would do well in Glasgow, think again jimmy.

The minister for defence went to Germany, what was he going to learn there, how not to do it twice.

In defence, last year we spent 300,000 on nice trips, supposedly we gained 5,000,000. I don’t want to say it, but are you taking the piss as usual. I did it in numbers just so that the imbeciles like me can understand. Sixteen ministers are jetting off to a jolly in more favourable climes, one is going to Glasgow. Is the sight of Enda ‘I look a bit like Tin Tin’ Kenny really going to make you invest squillions in a country, only if you had a strange infatuation with small dogs.

I would love to see all that money flowing into the country, this year it’s Joe McHugh asking the Scots for money, I hope you get out alive.

50 shades of gobshite

I promised myself that I wouldn’t do it, made a firm pact, no way, no how, was I going to stoop so low as to sully these pages with mention of ’50 shades of grey’, but there now I’ve done it so I might as well continue, what a weak and shallow man I am.

Firstly, I haven’t seen the film, never will see the film, never read the book and never will read the book, or I think it’s more commonly known as fire lighters. So you are justified in asking what justifies me making comment on it? Have you read my blog? This sort of shit is just par for the course.

Secondly, I’m not actually giving out about the existence of the film, I’m no film critic, Christ I like ‘Waterworld’, but I find the thought that Women’s groups are objecting to it a bit farcical.

Now I apologise for my utter ignorance, but until I was researching for this piece, (which you can tell is always thorough and mostly involves Wikipedia), I always thought Women’s groups were called things like ‘The Spice Girl’s’, ‘The Bangles’, and ‘One Direction’. But no I couldn’t be more wrong, we have the FSIAB group, I know you will have spotted it straight away, but just in case, it stands for Fifty Shades Is Abuse. Call me jealous but I actually wish that I had made that up.

Now I have actually been on the blog site, bloody bloggers, linked with FSIAB, 50shadesisabuseblogring.wordpress.com, (there was a link on Wikipedia). There is links to twenty one other blog posts, categorised, on the evils of fifty shades. And I thought I was the only idiot taking the time to write on this. I also don’t claim to have the best grammar in writing but I wouldn’t mind finding out what a rape/rape culture means, don’t want to make fun but that seems like an awful lot of rape in one sentence!

The first thing that strikes me is that it was women that bought the book, made it famous and made it a success, so why are women getting on their high horse about it. I can with almost complete certainty guarantee you that of all the couples that went to see it on Valentine’s Day, none of them went because it was the guys’ idea.

Now it seems that it glorifies BDSM, bondage, domination and sado masochism, I don’t really fancy it, it sounds a bit like living in Knocknaheeny. Though I have little to brag about, it seems that three women were arrested in Glasgow, it would be Glasgow wouldn’t it, for hitting a guy with a bottle who asked them to be quiet as they were ruining the film with their screaming. I think the film was on the ruined side before they started screaming.

In a society where such outrage was caused by Ronan O’Gara’s comment on the ‘Late Late Show’, and let’s be honest at worse it was just a particularly poor joke, don’t worry Ronan I know all about those, that the whole film wasn’t just banned or only available in sticky video booths in adult stores. I haven’t actually been in a video booth in an adult store but I would imagine them to be on the sticky side.

My big issue is that I don’t think media causes problems, Childs Play didn’t cause the Jamie Bulger killing, sick human beings did that, otherwise I would have [DH1] to wonder what sick frescos Genghis Khan was looking at just before he devastated half of the known world and Adolph Hitler must have been watching a ‘Laurel and Hardy’ movie that I’ve never seen just before he marched into Poland. But maybe I’m wrong, since I just watched ‘Mission impossible’ and I have an irresistible urge to swing from the county hall to, feck it there’s nowhere to land, why don’t I live in New York?

I’m not one to make light of things, laugh if you want, feck you, you don’t really know me, apart from the ones that do, and feck you too, you know I don’t give a shit. ’50 shades of grey’ is a book, and then a film. It’s not real life.

I am of course looking forward to the follow up, ‘Fifty Shades Of Gay’ where we see Gay Byrne giving us a road safety documentary wearing a gimp suit.

Fifty shades promotes abuse in the same way that ‘Braveheart’ promotes killing the English, or was that just a promotional video. Or perhaps we can berate Schindler’s List as promoting the holocaust. Anyway enough of that nonsense I’m off to stake out the local graveyard, the documentary ‘The Walking Dead’ has me scared out of my wits. I’m just glad that two thousand and twelve turned out to be a hoax!

---

 [DH1]

Paedophiles out

Or perhaps not as the case may be. There appears to be a stigma attached to males working with children. The whole worry appears to solely be based on the persons’ gender.

I haven’t heard tales of unsubstantiated claims that your local crèche worker is a convicted sex offender, no they just happen to be male, and that of course makes them a paedophile, they don’t even have to have a beard and wear a rain Mac with a puppy in one pocket and a bag of sweeties in the other.

Since statistically women are more likely to physically abuse a child, should the chant be, ‘beaters out!’, and subsequently have no women working with children. In which case we are going to have to reduce the immigration laws on Borneo pygmies since we seem to have no other options, although a blowpipe can give you a nasty prick!

In one of previous incarnations, there have been so many, I worked for several years with both disabled and disadvantaged children.* Did I abuse any? Did I even think about abusing any? Short answer, no, and why? Because I’m not a bloody paedophile, along with 99% of the male population.

So let’s imagine I’m a single male, hard to imagine with an ass like that, but let go of your ability to overlook reality and go wild! I seem to be banned from theme parks, but what if I brought my father with me? Well for one I would look a bit of a twat wandering round Tayto park with an urn under my arm.

Where does it all stop, do I have to buy my monthly Crunchie on line as I’m obviously not welcome in sweetie shops. I’m glad I don’t go swimming, as that’s one hobby that would have to stop, swimming pools and beaches are definitely out of the question.

If I want to go for a walk through the local park I’m going to have to go and buy a bloody dog, which is going to piss the cat off no end. Actually that’s a bad idea, single male, puppy, park, damn it I’m going to have to buy a child, does anybody have Madonna’s phone number?

To be brutally honest there are a few pubs I know that I shouldn’t allowed in!

Yes child abuse in Ireland has been a shocking issue in the past, but in this enlightened age where we are no longer ruled by the Catholic Church and our constitution protects all in society equally, wait sorry did I miss that abortion referendum again?

This week a Cork women was given a one year suspended sentence, for what, for grabbing her baby from her push chair and squeezing her causing broken ribs, leg and arm. She pleaded guilty to assault, but was suffering from post natal depression, and the courts gave a years suspended sentence and her child back, are you having a laugh!

Let’s change the circumstances slightly, I drag my child form her buggy, squeeze her and cause that damage, then I’m a child abuser, oh but judge I’m depressed, well let’s be honest you’re going to be even more depressed in the ‘Joy’, is that what they call it these days, I know I’m just trying to be hip and cool, and probably failing badly.

Where have I gone wrong that I am such a pariah, being born male seems to do the trick. I even joined the ‘Boys Brigade’ as a child, which was a bit like the ‘Scouts’ but without the child abuse, or maybe I was just an ugly child.

Maybe I should become gay, I’m going to hell anyway, and it might be the only way I might get married, thanks again Leo, no wait that involves parks as well, and I’m not allowed in them, I’m stuck either way.

I know that we have to protect our children, but can we do it without the haze of paranoia. Our children are the most precious cargo we can carry, except of course from the few bottles of beer that you are drunkenly carrying home from the pub.

*See Helen, although not on display much, and admittedly you would probably need the assistance of 50 Columbian miners, (not minors, let’s get that straight), plus the equipment used to dig the channel tunnel to find it, even I have a soft side.