Being this is the first edition of 2009 I had thought of doing a review of the year,
however ‘it was shit’ wasn’t going to be quite long enough so I thought in a break
with tradition I would do the first review of 2009.
Brian Cowan has said that he needs the public to get behind him to deal with the
current financial crisis. Let’s be honest with a face like that there surely isn’t
anyone in the country that wants to be in front of him, but perhaps we should have a
look at what he and his TD’s are up to to move us forward in a year which is looking
to be a difficult one at best.
Well for the next five years the state will be shoring itself up with massive
borrowing, though it would seem if some forward thinking cuts where implemented then
perhaps that borrowing could be kept more in check.
The first thing that could be done would be to remove Beverley ‘with my track
record only in Ireland and Zimbabwe would I still be in office’ Flynn from office.
She has decided to keep the €41,000 allowance which is given to independents as they
don’t have a party backing them, even though she is now once more under the Fianna
Fail wing. She is justifying this because when elected 2007 she was an independent
and is technically allowed to keep the allowance until the next election, plus she
did not receive the allowance for the four years after 2004 when she became an
independent. Wake up you money grabber, you became an independent because you where
flung out of the party for encouraging tax evasion, you should have been taken out
of office, not paid €147,000 a year.
Useless trips abroad by ministers should be curtailed, the latest being Michael
Martin’s planned trip to Cuba. How much that little holiday is going to cost the
country we don’t know yet. What we will get from it can be summed up in on word,
nothing. Perhaps Michael is hoping that with the stepping down of Fidel that the
prime cigar making country is set for a smoking ban, or perhaps it’s just a nice
sunny place to relax.
The government should also try not to spend another €27M to independent advisors
to think about the things that our already over bloated, over paid, useless civil
service should be doing, but then thinking isn’t really their strong point, not when
there is still so much tea to drink and buns to eat.
I must admit however that at present I am slightly worried about the future of my
own homeland, the heart attack capital of the world, Glasgow. With the closing of
USC, the premier seller of shell suits, the average Glaswegian now is looking at a
very bleak year with no new clothes.
And so this review of 2009 has come to the conclusion, guess what, it’s going to
be shit.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
Happy holidays
Its Christmas week once more, and may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very
merry holiday season, and I hope you all have a job to return to in January.
Not the most cheery of greetings, but one that will ring a bell with many, and
those many most definitely wont be hearing sleigh bells this year.
But we must make the most of it, and so as you sit on Christmas morning, burning
the packaging from the kids presents as you can’t afford to run the heating, raise a
glass of Aldi’s mulled wine to our intrepid TD’s as they begin their, so they think,
well deserved 40 day break, safe in the knowledge that they have another four years
on the gravy train before we get another chance to be rid of them. Although with our
track record we will simply vote for the same old names and give them another four
years to cock things up further.
And lets not end the cheer there, while you sit down to your Bernhard Mathew’s
turkey breast roast, raise a frozen sprout in prayer that with the coming of 2009
you may find yourself with a decent wage, or at least around €9 an hour and think of
how much work our poor TD’s have to do to earn around €200 - €250 per hour. This of
course takes into account them actually turning up at the Dáil for all of the 96
days it happens be open, and work there for a full eight hour day.
I am of course taking into account all the tax free expenses that our beloved
leaders get to claim on top of their wages, with one of the highest, clocking in at
a massive €89,705 total expenses and allowances is Mr eloquence himself, Jackie
‘nobody can understand a feckin word I say’ Healy-Rae. Perhaps he should consider
putting some of those expenses towards speech therapy, maybe then he would be less
of an embarrassment to the whole country, although a change of hat would probably be
required as well.
Another who has now recently hit the big numbers with €54,705 is Bertie ‘now that
I’m not Taoiseach I have to buy my own brown envelopes’ Ahern, which he has knocked
up in a measly six months.
It doesn’t take me to point out that in the current state the country is in,
figures of this calibre are not just crazy but completely immoral, perhaps it does
need said though that even if the country were not in the present condition figures
like that would continue to be immoral, particularly for the gaggle of incompetents
we laughingly call our elected leaders.
It is of course Christmas and I had said last week I would try to find something
positive to look on, well so far 68 less people have been killed on our roads this
year than last year, though this is probably because nobody can afford to drink and
drive any more.
merry holiday season, and I hope you all have a job to return to in January.
Not the most cheery of greetings, but one that will ring a bell with many, and
those many most definitely wont be hearing sleigh bells this year.
But we must make the most of it, and so as you sit on Christmas morning, burning
the packaging from the kids presents as you can’t afford to run the heating, raise a
glass of Aldi’s mulled wine to our intrepid TD’s as they begin their, so they think,
well deserved 40 day break, safe in the knowledge that they have another four years
on the gravy train before we get another chance to be rid of them. Although with our
track record we will simply vote for the same old names and give them another four
years to cock things up further.
And lets not end the cheer there, while you sit down to your Bernhard Mathew’s
turkey breast roast, raise a frozen sprout in prayer that with the coming of 2009
you may find yourself with a decent wage, or at least around €9 an hour and think of
how much work our poor TD’s have to do to earn around €200 - €250 per hour. This of
course takes into account them actually turning up at the Dáil for all of the 96
days it happens be open, and work there for a full eight hour day.
I am of course taking into account all the tax free expenses that our beloved
leaders get to claim on top of their wages, with one of the highest, clocking in at
a massive €89,705 total expenses and allowances is Mr eloquence himself, Jackie
‘nobody can understand a feckin word I say’ Healy-Rae. Perhaps he should consider
putting some of those expenses towards speech therapy, maybe then he would be less
of an embarrassment to the whole country, although a change of hat would probably be
required as well.
Another who has now recently hit the big numbers with €54,705 is Bertie ‘now that
I’m not Taoiseach I have to buy my own brown envelopes’ Ahern, which he has knocked
up in a measly six months.
It doesn’t take me to point out that in the current state the country is in,
figures of this calibre are not just crazy but completely immoral, perhaps it does
need said though that even if the country were not in the present condition figures
like that would continue to be immoral, particularly for the gaggle of incompetents
we laughingly call our elected leaders.
It is of course Christmas and I had said last week I would try to find something
positive to look on, well so far 68 less people have been killed on our roads this
year than last year, though this is probably because nobody can afford to drink and
drive any more.
Monday, December 15, 2008
This little piggy
For once Brian ‘this little piggy went to market’ Cowan moved with alarming speed
during the recent dietary disaster. What we have to ask is was this for the good of
the general public or was it because when he was told there was trouble with the
pigs he thought Mary ‘this little piggy stayed at home’ Coughlan, Mary ‘this little
piggy had roast beef’ Harney, Micheál ‘this little piggy had none’ Martin and John
‘this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home’ Gormley were in the shit
again. We shall have to wait for the biography to find out.
Whatever the reason he did act fast, but now is being attacked for his unusually
un-sloth like reactions to crisis’. I can’t bring myself to disagree with the
decision, I am for transparency in government, and I am not talking about Mary
Harney’s underwear, but I can’t help but laugh a hearty side splitting laugh at Alan
Reilly’s comment that leaving the meat on the shelves would have resulted in them
being ‘lambasted for being irresponsible, and in all probability we’d be out of a
job.’ Alan, none of them should still have a job, what harm would a few contaminated
sausages have done to the government’s reputation.
Well the hams are back on the shelves and so there is nothing to spoil our
Christmas, except of course spiralling unemployment, growing repossessions, a health
service that won’t be able to cope with the winter rush and of course charity
collectors.
I am not uncharitable, even though Scottish, but I would enjoy being able to walk
more than twenty feet along the street without some fool waving a collection box,
clipboard or scratch card in my face. Even going into my local supermarket I am
forced to pay two euro’s extra for my six pack so that some snotty kid can put it in
a bag for me, and then a further two to the pathetic looking woman collecting at the
door.
I don’t want to sound like scrooge, but let’s face it, not being a TD, I have to
pay my own postage for my Christmas cards, and not being a TD, if I was rich enough
to have a second home in Dublin, I would have to pay for it myself.
The festive season is upon us so I am going to stop complaining now and look on
the bright side. Nope sorry I can’t find one, perhaps next week.
during the recent dietary disaster. What we have to ask is was this for the good of
the general public or was it because when he was told there was trouble with the
pigs he thought Mary ‘this little piggy stayed at home’ Coughlan, Mary ‘this little
piggy had roast beef’ Harney, Micheál ‘this little piggy had none’ Martin and John
‘this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home’ Gormley were in the shit
again. We shall have to wait for the biography to find out.
Whatever the reason he did act fast, but now is being attacked for his unusually
un-sloth like reactions to crisis’. I can’t bring myself to disagree with the
decision, I am for transparency in government, and I am not talking about Mary
Harney’s underwear, but I can’t help but laugh a hearty side splitting laugh at Alan
Reilly’s comment that leaving the meat on the shelves would have resulted in them
being ‘lambasted for being irresponsible, and in all probability we’d be out of a
job.’ Alan, none of them should still have a job, what harm would a few contaminated
sausages have done to the government’s reputation.
Well the hams are back on the shelves and so there is nothing to spoil our
Christmas, except of course spiralling unemployment, growing repossessions, a health
service that won’t be able to cope with the winter rush and of course charity
collectors.
I am not uncharitable, even though Scottish, but I would enjoy being able to walk
more than twenty feet along the street without some fool waving a collection box,
clipboard or scratch card in my face. Even going into my local supermarket I am
forced to pay two euro’s extra for my six pack so that some snotty kid can put it in
a bag for me, and then a further two to the pathetic looking woman collecting at the
door.
I don’t want to sound like scrooge, but let’s face it, not being a TD, I have to
pay my own postage for my Christmas cards, and not being a TD, if I was rich enough
to have a second home in Dublin, I would have to pay for it myself.
The festive season is upon us so I am going to stop complaining now and look on
the bright side. Nope sorry I can’t find one, perhaps next week.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
It could be worse
I have decided to take a philosophical view point this week, and why is this, well
I’ll tell you. I have a healthy distrust of opinion polls, they are conducted by
students and people who can’t get a proper job, and the questions are answered by
the sort of person whose opinion is generally not worth the ink it takes to tick the
boxes. I am of course talking of the recent Irish Times poll which states that twice
as many people would prefer Bertie ‘I had a major hand in the shit we are in but got
out before that said same brown stuff hit the whirly thing on the ceiling’ Ahern to
be leading the country than Brian ‘even David Blunkett has nightmares after meeting
me’ Cowan.
And so I will not complain that Mary Harney can’t find a few million to protect
our daughters from cervical cancer. Neither will I consider drawing attention to the
fact that our children are going to school in dilapidated portacabins, into which
will soon be squeezed so many pupils that each teacher will have to be given a daily
snort of speed to be able to call the roll before lunch.
And why should I not mention these facts in a derogatory fashion towards the
imbeciles that are running and have previously run the country, because, and this
may sound harsh, we are the imbeciles that vote them in, continue to vote them in,
and we are the ones with the memories of a dementia patient, and so what is the use.
In the last general election we managed to vote in a government that comprises of
the same old turkeys joined up with a party that was going out of business quicker
than a porn star with premature ejaculation, a political party that would have
afternoon tea with Osama Bin Laden as long as he didn’t turn up in a 4 x 4, and
somebody from Kerry that nobody can understand.
So how on earth could things be worse? How could we possibly be more stupid and
misguided? What could we do to ourselves that is more self destructive? We could be
Janella Spears. No she’s not the long lost, drug addicted, alcoholic, sister of
Brittany returning looking for a stabilising influence, she is the fool of a woman
who has over the past three years sent a total of over $400,000 to Nigerian internet
scammers. And although she is American, she must have an Irish voters streak, she
was warned off by the police, the FBI, and the bank, though we can all understand
why she ignored a bankers advice, she continued to send the money, just incase the
pay off happened to come.
Rejoice all you out there who put pen to paper, or answered answers in a poll, at
least you can say there is at least one person in the world more stupid.
I’ll tell you. I have a healthy distrust of opinion polls, they are conducted by
students and people who can’t get a proper job, and the questions are answered by
the sort of person whose opinion is generally not worth the ink it takes to tick the
boxes. I am of course talking of the recent Irish Times poll which states that twice
as many people would prefer Bertie ‘I had a major hand in the shit we are in but got
out before that said same brown stuff hit the whirly thing on the ceiling’ Ahern to
be leading the country than Brian ‘even David Blunkett has nightmares after meeting
me’ Cowan.
And so I will not complain that Mary Harney can’t find a few million to protect
our daughters from cervical cancer. Neither will I consider drawing attention to the
fact that our children are going to school in dilapidated portacabins, into which
will soon be squeezed so many pupils that each teacher will have to be given a daily
snort of speed to be able to call the roll before lunch.
And why should I not mention these facts in a derogatory fashion towards the
imbeciles that are running and have previously run the country, because, and this
may sound harsh, we are the imbeciles that vote them in, continue to vote them in,
and we are the ones with the memories of a dementia patient, and so what is the use.
In the last general election we managed to vote in a government that comprises of
the same old turkeys joined up with a party that was going out of business quicker
than a porn star with premature ejaculation, a political party that would have
afternoon tea with Osama Bin Laden as long as he didn’t turn up in a 4 x 4, and
somebody from Kerry that nobody can understand.
So how on earth could things be worse? How could we possibly be more stupid and
misguided? What could we do to ourselves that is more self destructive? We could be
Janella Spears. No she’s not the long lost, drug addicted, alcoholic, sister of
Brittany returning looking for a stabilising influence, she is the fool of a woman
who has over the past three years sent a total of over $400,000 to Nigerian internet
scammers. And although she is American, she must have an Irish voters streak, she
was warned off by the police, the FBI, and the bank, though we can all understand
why she ignored a bankers advice, she continued to send the money, just incase the
pay off happened to come.
Rejoice all you out there who put pen to paper, or answered answers in a poll, at
least you can say there is at least one person in the world more stupid.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Normal service has returned
First an apology, due to unforseen circumstances, well I'm not
a psychic, the Scotsman has been off line for a few weeks, but
normal service has now returned.
And so what has been happening while I have been away?
America has spoken and voted for it's new president elect,
which is all very cool and groovy, forward thinking and other
such high brow talking and such and so on, and now I am totally
bored listening to the whole thing, give me a shout when Barak
parts the Red Sea and then produces enough buns for Mary
Harney out of a mouldy donut from the local petrol station and I
will take notice again. For now I've heard enough about the
second coming to last me a while.
Brian 'I knocked this up on the back of a fag packet while
down at the local' Lenihan produced the worlds first bouncy ball
budget. It was a budget designed to hit the most
vulnerable in society and protect the civil 'jobs for the boys'
service, and was provided with the full backing of the cabinet
until it had to be reversed and then you had such as John
'honestly I didn't agree with it in the first place but was too
busy talking to a pot plant to say anything about it at the time'
Gormley come out and attempt to avoid the backlash. Though it
was certainly summed up by our esteemed Minister for foreign
affairs when he pointed out that as is usual in Irish politics, it is
perfectly acceptable for the government to make a complete
dog's dinner out of the country as long as in four years time you
grant as many planning decisions and solve as many boundry
disputes as possible, while kissing babies and telling everybody
the next four years are going to be rosy.
The biggest travesty of all which has occured in my absence
however has to be the death of free speech on the BBC. While
Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand's trick phone calls could be
said to be wholly juvenile, and not particularly funny, they
really didn't warrant the furore that was caused.
If it was justified then why has the X Factor not been removed
from our airwaves, and why was Jeremy Beadle never put
against a wall and shot.
At the end of the dat, surely performers such as Ross and
Brand are paid to be juvenile, and if their humour isn't to your
taste then don't listen, or better still, move to Iran, they like
censorship there and I'm sure all the puritanical wingers would
have a great time throwing stones at the disgraced entertainers
or burning their effiges in the streets.
Since normal service has returned to the Scotsman in Ireland
page I think it is very important to make this call for free speech,
otherwise I would have to go offline for life. But wait, don't tell
me this is the Irish cabinet armed with pitch forks advancing
down my driveway, no it's ok it's just a charity collection party
from the Cope Foundation/
a psychic, the Scotsman has been off line for a few weeks, but
normal service has now returned.
And so what has been happening while I have been away?
America has spoken and voted for it's new president elect,
which is all very cool and groovy, forward thinking and other
such high brow talking and such and so on, and now I am totally
bored listening to the whole thing, give me a shout when Barak
parts the Red Sea and then produces enough buns for Mary
Harney out of a mouldy donut from the local petrol station and I
will take notice again. For now I've heard enough about the
second coming to last me a while.
Brian 'I knocked this up on the back of a fag packet while
down at the local' Lenihan produced the worlds first bouncy ball
budget. It was a budget designed to hit the most
vulnerable in society and protect the civil 'jobs for the boys'
service, and was provided with the full backing of the cabinet
until it had to be reversed and then you had such as John
'honestly I didn't agree with it in the first place but was too
busy talking to a pot plant to say anything about it at the time'
Gormley come out and attempt to avoid the backlash. Though it
was certainly summed up by our esteemed Minister for foreign
affairs when he pointed out that as is usual in Irish politics, it is
perfectly acceptable for the government to make a complete
dog's dinner out of the country as long as in four years time you
grant as many planning decisions and solve as many boundry
disputes as possible, while kissing babies and telling everybody
the next four years are going to be rosy.
The biggest travesty of all which has occured in my absence
however has to be the death of free speech on the BBC. While
Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand's trick phone calls could be
said to be wholly juvenile, and not particularly funny, they
really didn't warrant the furore that was caused.
If it was justified then why has the X Factor not been removed
from our airwaves, and why was Jeremy Beadle never put
against a wall and shot.
At the end of the dat, surely performers such as Ross and
Brand are paid to be juvenile, and if their humour isn't to your
taste then don't listen, or better still, move to Iran, they like
censorship there and I'm sure all the puritanical wingers would
have a great time throwing stones at the disgraced entertainers
or burning their effiges in the streets.
Since normal service has returned to the Scotsman in Ireland
page I think it is very important to make this call for free speech,
otherwise I would have to go offline for life. But wait, don't tell
me this is the Irish cabinet armed with pitch forks advancing
down my driveway, no it's ok it's just a charity collection party
from the Cope Foundation/
Monday, October 6, 2008
Boring, boring, boring
It is quite a surprisingly strange feeling when you realise that you are boring
yourself, it seems at the moment that it is impossible to have a conversation
without talking about the recession, and I am no different and it’s all getting a
bit tedious. At the end of the day it’s there, it’s there to stay for a while and we
can rely on the daring duo of Brian ‘my sister is called daisy’ Cowan and Brian
‘what comes after ten’ Lenihan to continue to cock it up the whole way through, and
the bankers who have helped the crisis along the way will remain in their jobs.
There are so many other interesting things happening that we can talk about without
mentioning the ‘R’ word, so here goes.
Congratulations, or not if you are a regular cannabis user, has to be given to
the Rosslare sniffer dog Dillon who found around €10M euro worth of cannabis after a
Dutch registered truck was highlighted due to risk assessment. This probably wasn’t
to hard as the driver had dreadlocks, a colourful woolly hat and was heard to say
‘hey man this is all really groovy’.
It turns out, after the list was published on the Department of Agriculture’s web
site, that Mr Green himself, Michael O’Leary, received almost €13,000 last year from
Brussels for improving the environment in his farm in Co. Westmeath. Those
improvements have to include such things as planting hedgerows, keeping livestock
away from waterways, reducing the amount of slurry spread and of course redirecting
Ryanair flights from flying overhead, keep up the good work Michael.
O J Simpson has finally been convicted for something, and from the sounds of it
his role as Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun films was the best bit of type
casting in Hollywood history. With what looks like a minimum of fifteen years in
front of him I’m sure he has to be worried about the amount of tattooed sailors in
Joliet Prison looking forward to the new ‘squeeze’ arriving.
Talking of Hollywood, who must now be getting really strapped for cash since the
MPLC, who collect royalties for the big motion picture companies, have contacted the
pre-schools in order to levy €3 plus vat per child a year for watching DVDs. For
goodness sake Disney, have things become that bad, or are you just trying to find
the wages to pay Tom Cruise to play all seven dwarves in the remake of Snow White.
Few, done it, all these interesting things happening and I never once had to
mention recession, oh damn it!
yourself, it seems at the moment that it is impossible to have a conversation
without talking about the recession, and I am no different and it’s all getting a
bit tedious. At the end of the day it’s there, it’s there to stay for a while and we
can rely on the daring duo of Brian ‘my sister is called daisy’ Cowan and Brian
‘what comes after ten’ Lenihan to continue to cock it up the whole way through, and
the bankers who have helped the crisis along the way will remain in their jobs.
There are so many other interesting things happening that we can talk about without
mentioning the ‘R’ word, so here goes.
Congratulations, or not if you are a regular cannabis user, has to be given to
the Rosslare sniffer dog Dillon who found around €10M euro worth of cannabis after a
Dutch registered truck was highlighted due to risk assessment. This probably wasn’t
to hard as the driver had dreadlocks, a colourful woolly hat and was heard to say
‘hey man this is all really groovy’.
It turns out, after the list was published on the Department of Agriculture’s web
site, that Mr Green himself, Michael O’Leary, received almost €13,000 last year from
Brussels for improving the environment in his farm in Co. Westmeath. Those
improvements have to include such things as planting hedgerows, keeping livestock
away from waterways, reducing the amount of slurry spread and of course redirecting
Ryanair flights from flying overhead, keep up the good work Michael.
O J Simpson has finally been convicted for something, and from the sounds of it
his role as Detective Nordberg in the Naked Gun films was the best bit of type
casting in Hollywood history. With what looks like a minimum of fifteen years in
front of him I’m sure he has to be worried about the amount of tattooed sailors in
Joliet Prison looking forward to the new ‘squeeze’ arriving.
Talking of Hollywood, who must now be getting really strapped for cash since the
MPLC, who collect royalties for the big motion picture companies, have contacted the
pre-schools in order to levy €3 plus vat per child a year for watching DVDs. For
goodness sake Disney, have things become that bad, or are you just trying to find
the wages to pay Tom Cruise to play all seven dwarves in the remake of Snow White.
Few, done it, all these interesting things happening and I never once had to
mention recession, oh damn it!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Return of the mattress
There have been many great comedy duos over the years, Morecambe and Wise, Fry and
Laurie, the two Ronnie’s, Reeves and Mortimer even, but none come close to the comic
talent writing the new hit sitcom, the Irish economy, oh yes, let me introduce you
to Cowan and Lenihan.
It’s a perfect partnership, Cowan writes the scripts, it took a few years to
perfect, and then Lenihan acts them out and between them we have the farce of the
century.
Lenihan of course now is taking over the writing, giving Cowan more time to play
crazy golf and do guppy impressions at the ploughing championships, and we wait with
baited breath for the next instalment of the recession busting budget, though don’t
hold your breath too long, if passed performance is a bench mark, you will be dead
from suffocation long before he learns to count never mind save the day.
Public spending is of course going to be cut, no more medical cards for all the
over seventies, if you have a bit of cash sitting you can just damn well go and buy
your own tablets, after all you probably use more tablets than the average ecstasy
user and you are just costing the HSE far too much money. The HSE can of course
afford to pay out over €700M in extra payments to staff but would leave you lying on
a trolley, paying for your own tablets and weighing your incontinence pads to save a
bit.
Minister ‘I can’t count past ten’ Lenihan also took a bit of a swipe at Joe Duffy
over his programme which questioned the safety of Irish financial institutions. It
seems his critique has called up mass hysteria and panic in the populace not known
since Brian Cowan and Mary Harney chose the same moment to walk over the Ha'penny
Bridge.
Let’s face it there is a credit crunch on, which means that the Irish financial
institutions don’t trust each other, why should we have anymore faith in them than
they have in themselves.
With that in mind there has been a rush on in the sales of mattresses as people
follow Bertie Aherns example and return to keeping their money stuffed inside soft
furnishings and out of the eye of the inland revenue, sorry I mean where it will be
safe from your bank imploding.
It does appear that there is one place where the credit crunch has not hit home,
Debenhams, in a single visit to the department store you are assured to be asked a
dozen times whether you would like to take out a new credit card. The Scotsman’s
credit crunch survival advice would therefore be, head to Debenhams, get a credit
card and buy lots of mattresses, but do it quick before the special mattress levy is
brought into place on the 14th.
Laurie, the two Ronnie’s, Reeves and Mortimer even, but none come close to the comic
talent writing the new hit sitcom, the Irish economy, oh yes, let me introduce you
to Cowan and Lenihan.
It’s a perfect partnership, Cowan writes the scripts, it took a few years to
perfect, and then Lenihan acts them out and between them we have the farce of the
century.
Lenihan of course now is taking over the writing, giving Cowan more time to play
crazy golf and do guppy impressions at the ploughing championships, and we wait with
baited breath for the next instalment of the recession busting budget, though don’t
hold your breath too long, if passed performance is a bench mark, you will be dead
from suffocation long before he learns to count never mind save the day.
Public spending is of course going to be cut, no more medical cards for all the
over seventies, if you have a bit of cash sitting you can just damn well go and buy
your own tablets, after all you probably use more tablets than the average ecstasy
user and you are just costing the HSE far too much money. The HSE can of course
afford to pay out over €700M in extra payments to staff but would leave you lying on
a trolley, paying for your own tablets and weighing your incontinence pads to save a
bit.
Minister ‘I can’t count past ten’ Lenihan also took a bit of a swipe at Joe Duffy
over his programme which questioned the safety of Irish financial institutions. It
seems his critique has called up mass hysteria and panic in the populace not known
since Brian Cowan and Mary Harney chose the same moment to walk over the Ha'penny
Bridge.
Let’s face it there is a credit crunch on, which means that the Irish financial
institutions don’t trust each other, why should we have anymore faith in them than
they have in themselves.
With that in mind there has been a rush on in the sales of mattresses as people
follow Bertie Aherns example and return to keeping their money stuffed inside soft
furnishings and out of the eye of the inland revenue, sorry I mean where it will be
safe from your bank imploding.
It does appear that there is one place where the credit crunch has not hit home,
Debenhams, in a single visit to the department store you are assured to be asked a
dozen times whether you would like to take out a new credit card. The Scotsman’s
credit crunch survival advice would therefore be, head to Debenhams, get a credit
card and buy lots of mattresses, but do it quick before the special mattress levy is
brought into place on the 14th.
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