10 things I really love

I can sense the head scratching, see you checking that you have really clicked on the correct web page, and thinking even if I’m on the right page, I have just returned from a weeks holiday, hence the lack of post last week, and the post this week. I still know what you’re thinking, is it possible he could get to ten, probably pushing it at five, lucky if we get anywhere near two, but no I’m in a good mood and am going for the full ten. Get ready, this page may never be the same again!

I am going to list them in Roman numeral bullet points because I think it makes me more scientific like, or some such thing.

1. Beer, a bit of an obvious one, of course I like beer, proper beer, beer that tastes of, well beer. I do have an aversion to people who will only drink one sort of beer, and in general they come into two categories.

1. Believe me I found this button at complete random, but it’s great.
2. Which is actually a), but I was so excited about the button that I ruined a), which I have also done to a)/b), but I shall continue or I might find the button runs out!
3. Category 1 – ‘Oh I only drink lager.’ What you mean is you only drink beer that tastes of nothing, if you weren’t so afraid of pears you would just drink Perry though it might be a bit flavoursome for you.
4. The ‘oh I only drink Guinness’ because I come from Dublin, or the ‘I only drink Murphy’s’ because I come from Cork, or ‘I only drink Beamish’ because I live in cork and I’m Scottish. Stout drinkers, you are used to a bit of flavour in your beer, though personally I think Beamish is the only mainstream one left with much, and fifty cents cheaper, get over your rivalries and try some decent beers.

1. Cigarettes, yes we all know I’m a smoker, I know I shouldn’t, but I do love it, but then at my age I shouldn’t get so excited over a new word document button. But let’s be honest, I do get on the pissed off side about roll up smokers who can’t roll a fag. It’s probably not their fault, they probably have dyspraxia, or some other special awareness problem, but please don’t do it near me, my OCD will kick in and I will have to do it for you, or just hit you depending on how much of I., I have had.
2. Food, I love my food, there isn’t much that I wouldn’t eat, though I might draw the line at koala bears, but only because I don’t like Coca-Cola. I do hate pretentious among foodies, please do not tell me what I should like, or in what way I should eat it, if I like it then it’s the right way and your way can kiss my koala bears ass. (I don’t actually have a koala bear, but I can dream).
3. Wine, oh I know, likes beer now going on about wine. Obviously an alcoholic, degenerate and not worth listening too. Well maybe, but if you listen to the shite of ‘it tastes of blueberry and two week old gusset, you are, at least on the steady road to pies me off big style.
4. Music, I love my music, I have ‘Half Man Half Biscuit’ damaging my eardrums right now as I write. No I know you don’t know them, but their great, I have also talked about listening to the blues, I also quite like some modern music, though I can’t think of any names right now. People who only like one sort of music are obviously just trying to piss me off, so much so I’m not even going to take the finger time to categorise them in fancy buttons, you know who you are, get a grip.
5. Books, oh yes, I love books, if I was standing at the stairs of the space ship that was going to carry me away from a dying earth and I was only allowed to take one possession of course it would be books, unless of course I was allowed to take cigarettes and alcohol. Where’s the but, well to be honest, I’m not a big fan of the best sellers like the Bible, or the Koran, or fifty shades of grey, but if you can make squillions of euros from them well done John, Paul, Luke and Muhammad, not to mention, sorry can’t remember her name.
6. Cats, yeah I love my cat. Does she love me? Yeah in her own way. I can’t stand listening to all, ‘but dogs are so loyal’ bullshit. My cat is very loyal, but if she was hungry would she eat me if I had died in the living room, yes, so would my dog, the only difference would be that my cat would be more upfront about it.
7. Conversation, oh yes I love conversation, but I hate small talk. I can’t do ten minutes of how your children are getting on, (next bit censored), and I don’t care who your neighbour is, or what he’s up to, unless, he happens to be, (censored), dungeon. (Won’t make any sense unless you’ve seen my stand up, but hey how much sense do I make otherwise?).
8. Doc Martins, I’ll wear Docs till I die, at this rate I’m not going to make them a fortune, but I really can’t stand people who walk around in Docs that look new, that’s not right, it’s law that a hammer should be taken to a pair the second they are released from their box. Plus, though I don’t want to sound like a man talking to the surgeon after he’s been caught fiddling with your wife under anaesthetic, cheap Chinese Docs, why Docs why?
9. People who are happy with life, yes I really like them, unless they talk to me, live near me or breath in my general direction.

I apologise for this overly happy and upbeat post, by next week the holiday euphoria will have died off and I can get back to being a complaining bastard again.

Happy Eostre

No I haven’t forgotten to spell check again, though there should be an accent over one, or may be both of the e’s or is it the o, I don’t know and I couldn’t find the button to put one there any way, what a fail before I even start.

We are of course in the middle of the celebratory season of ‘Eostre’ the Germanic Goddess of dawn, and a fertility Goddess.

Oh we’re not, then we must be in the Jewish celebration of Passover.

No? Then it has to be the Jedi celebration of Darth Vader succumbing to the cream pie bun force.

Christ will I ever get it right, Christ, that’s it we’re celebrating the baby Jesus getting nailed to a plank of wood, getting shoved in a cave for a couple of days, then popping back up again.

Now it has been stated a few times in these pages about my religious thinking, I don’t think it needs to be stated again, but for those who haven’t noticed I’m an Atheist, I’m not somebody who doesn’t believe, but wants their child to go through first communion anyway, in case they feel ‘left out’, left out of what, the piss up in the local, the disgusting baby wedding dress, and the play x box station five thousand (in pink), that they will buy with the disgusting amount of money that will be thrown at them, I am an Atheist.

So let’s be honest, am I just having a moan about not being able to go for a pint on Friday, well it doesn’t help, it’s an antiquated, and frankly biased law which forces me to confirm to what is decided by the catholic church and put into law by a ‘catholic country’.

Sorry I’m wrong there, the constitution states that the state may not endorse any particular religion and guarantees freedom of religion, therefore the no alcohol law on ‘good Friday’, or as I prefer the Germanic name ‘mourning Friday’, is unconstitutional and should be repealed forthwith, or at least before the 1916 Easter, celebrations next year, let’s see.

I also haven’t seen anything in the bible that would give rise to this law. Let’s first go through the whole weekend, and what a weekend it was. And it seems not to have changed much in Ireland.

I’m bored with bullet points so I’ll just do it in paragraphs, old school, right on!

Holy Thursday, or whatever it’s called, the last supper, all the lads go on the piss, end up at a house party and the cops come round and arrest one of you.

Good Friday, one of your mates gets crucified, are you trying to tell me that John, Paul and Ringo, (there was a Ringo wasn’t there), didn’t go on the piss after that day.

Something Saturday, bit of a come down, nothing happens, best just go on the piss.

Easter Sunday, mate turns back up under your sofa, go on the piss to celebrate.

Easter Monday, an excuse for the banks not to open.

Let’s now have a look at the symbols we use in the celebration of this ‘Christian’ holy time, feck it I’ll use the button.

1. The egg, symbol of an empty cave, my arse, totally a fertility symbol.
2. Chocolate, in celebration of some guy, are we having a laugh?
3. The rabbit, fertility, enough said, from the women of Ireland, thanks Ann.

I believe that the only two good things to come out of the Christian religion is the musical ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’, and the fictional movie ‘The passion of Christ’ which beats ‘the godfather’ hands down. Sorry it’s three, the Top Gear Bethlehem Special, will its likes be seen again, Jeremy you shall be sorely missed.

But I have digressed, I know it’s been an almost 600 word digress, but I believe that state and superstition, sorry religion, have to be separate.

If we are a true catholic country, should we not make child abuse legal?

Should we make killing pregnant women legal, oh sorry it actually is.

Should we indoctrinate our children with a heap of nonsense for the sake of some shiny shoes and an institution that denies women an equal place in society, and before you start sharpening your stones Islam, I’m still talking about the Catholics.

Should we go the whole hog and start up the Irish inquisition, nobody would expect that, though we forgave the Spanish theirs because they invented paella, I don’t think Irish stew will quite have the same affect.

Anyway I’m writing this on Good Friday so I’m off down the local for a couple of pints.