10 things I really love

I can sense the head scratching, see you checking that you have really clicked on the correct web page, and thinking even if I’m on the right page, I have just returned from a weeks holiday, hence the lack of post last week, and the post this week. I still know what you’re thinking, is it possible he could get to ten, probably pushing it at five, lucky if we get anywhere near two, but no I’m in a good mood and am going for the full ten. Get ready, this page may never be the same again!

I am going to list them in Roman numeral bullet points because I think it makes me more scientific like, or some such thing.

1. Beer, a bit of an obvious one, of course I like beer, proper beer, beer that tastes of, well beer. I do have an aversion to people who will only drink one sort of beer, and in general they come into two categories.

1. Believe me I found this button at complete random, but it’s great.
2. Which is actually a), but I was so excited about the button that I ruined a), which I have also done to a)/b), but I shall continue or I might find the button runs out!
3. Category 1 – ‘Oh I only drink lager.’ What you mean is you only drink beer that tastes of nothing, if you weren’t so afraid of pears you would just drink Perry though it might be a bit flavoursome for you.
4. The ‘oh I only drink Guinness’ because I come from Dublin, or the ‘I only drink Murphy’s’ because I come from Cork, or ‘I only drink Beamish’ because I live in cork and I’m Scottish. Stout drinkers, you are used to a bit of flavour in your beer, though personally I think Beamish is the only mainstream one left with much, and fifty cents cheaper, get over your rivalries and try some decent beers.

1. Cigarettes, yes we all know I’m a smoker, I know I shouldn’t, but I do love it, but then at my age I shouldn’t get so excited over a new word document button. But let’s be honest, I do get on the pissed off side about roll up smokers who can’t roll a fag. It’s probably not their fault, they probably have dyspraxia, or some other special awareness problem, but please don’t do it near me, my OCD will kick in and I will have to do it for you, or just hit you depending on how much of I., I have had.
2. Food, I love my food, there isn’t much that I wouldn’t eat, though I might draw the line at koala bears, but only because I don’t like Coca-Cola. I do hate pretentious among foodies, please do not tell me what I should like, or in what way I should eat it, if I like it then it’s the right way and your way can kiss my koala bears ass. (I don’t actually have a koala bear, but I can dream).
3. Wine, oh I know, likes beer now going on about wine. Obviously an alcoholic, degenerate and not worth listening too. Well maybe, but if you listen to the shite of ‘it tastes of blueberry and two week old gusset, you are, at least on the steady road to pies me off big style.
4. Music, I love my music, I have ‘Half Man Half Biscuit’ damaging my eardrums right now as I write. No I know you don’t know them, but their great, I have also talked about listening to the blues, I also quite like some modern music, though I can’t think of any names right now. People who only like one sort of music are obviously just trying to piss me off, so much so I’m not even going to take the finger time to categorise them in fancy buttons, you know who you are, get a grip.
5. Books, oh yes, I love books, if I was standing at the stairs of the space ship that was going to carry me away from a dying earth and I was only allowed to take one possession of course it would be books, unless of course I was allowed to take cigarettes and alcohol. Where’s the but, well to be honest, I’m not a big fan of the best sellers like the Bible, or the Koran, or fifty shades of grey, but if you can make squillions of euros from them well done John, Paul, Luke and Muhammad, not to mention, sorry can’t remember her name.
6. Cats, yeah I love my cat. Does she love me? Yeah in her own way. I can’t stand listening to all, ‘but dogs are so loyal’ bullshit. My cat is very loyal, but if she was hungry would she eat me if I had died in the living room, yes, so would my dog, the only difference would be that my cat would be more upfront about it.
7. Conversation, oh yes I love conversation, but I hate small talk. I can’t do ten minutes of how your children are getting on, (next bit censored), and I don’t care who your neighbour is, or what he’s up to, unless, he happens to be, (censored), dungeon. (Won’t make any sense unless you’ve seen my stand up, but hey how much sense do I make otherwise?).
8. Doc Martins, I’ll wear Docs till I die, at this rate I’m not going to make them a fortune, but I really can’t stand people who walk around in Docs that look new, that’s not right, it’s law that a hammer should be taken to a pair the second they are released from their box. Plus, though I don’t want to sound like a man talking to the surgeon after he’s been caught fiddling with your wife under anaesthetic, cheap Chinese Docs, why Docs why?
9. People who are happy with life, yes I really like them, unless they talk to me, live near me or breath in my general direction.

I apologise for this overly happy and upbeat post, by next week the holiday euphoria will have died off and I can get back to being a complaining bastard again.