Guilty or just bloody stupid

No for a change it’s not Bertie Ahern we are wondering about, with his bumbling at
the Mahon tribunal. Nor are we asking if Brian Cowan has mismanaged the country or
both he and Brian Lenihan’s bungling of the economy. And for once we are not even
asking if Mary Harney has totally cocked up the HSE or is she just incapable.

All of the above are of course completely embarrassing for the country, but the
latest embarrassment of the highest order is Denis Lynch and the Olympic sport of
being a prat.

So guilty or just stupid, does it really matter, the embarrassment is the same
whether cheat or idiot. Either Ireland’s athletes are drawn into disrepute for using
dodgy tricks or they are looked on as being so thick that the words, ‘banned
substance’, don’t have any meaning.

It seems though that using the stupidity defence is the way to go, along with
Denis, Maria McMahon and Andrew Bree should perhaps learn to read the labels.

Perhaps it’s best to call the whole thing off and have our athletes compete in an
appropriate competition, and so I am proud to announce the upcoming inaugural
Scotsman in Ireland Bar Room Olympics.

All will be glad to know that in the Bar Room Olympics the use of performance
enhancement substances is not only allowed, it is actively encouraged. Of course
with the level of alcohol found in Michelle De Bruin’s urine sample she would have
to remain banned.

So in a short four years time the sacred candle in a Chianti bottle will be lit and the first
games shall begin.

There shall be many events within the games, of course darts and pool tournaments
a plenty along with the less well known games of, the ten yard three pint shuffle,
and the bar mat flipping.

The second hour will see the downing the shot and synchronised tequila slamming.
A short fag break will follow to allow the athletes to prepare for the second half.

The second half could start to get messy, which is why the famous ten minute talk
drivel has been left till then. Kicking off shortly after is two rounds of bad
language and shoulder shuffling.

Heading towards the closing ceremony we enter the wet area with the five yard
hurl followed swiftly by the candle being blown out and the final event of the
night, the flinging out of the door.

All the athletes will then be expected to hang about outside the door, smoking
fags, shouting at strangers and telling all the other athletes they love them.

I look forward to your applications, and all being well, perhaps Bertie will be
on the pundit panel.