Things you wouldn’t do

There are many things in life that you just wouldn’t do, but then there are as many
people in the world as things you wouldn’t do, and so statistically there isn’t
really anything that nobody would do. In fact by definition, if there is something
you wouldn’t do, it is something that can be done, so you can be damn sure that
somebody has done it.

Now you can take it to extremes, and say that I wouldn’t want to be eaten, that
is unless you are Bernd Brandes. You will remember he was the German engineer who
replied to an internet advert to be eaten, funnily enough he ended up being eaten,
kismet.

You can go political, and say I wouldn’t make Brian Lenihan minister for finance,
well somebody did, much it would seem to the annoyance of even Brian himself, who
said he had the ‘‘misfortune’’ to become finance minister. Enough said perhaps?

You could go environmental, and say I wouldn’t leave that there, two words,
Haulbowline Island, and perhaps a few more words, Environment Minister John Gormley.
With that in mind another wouldn’t springs to mind, I wouldn’t live within a mile of
Haulbowline.

You could go culinary, and say I wouldn’t eat that. If you eat sausages at all,
there is a good chance that you have eaten that, and that, and more besides.

There are countless examples, but there is a specific one that brought the
subject to mind. I wouldn’t let a friend cut my hair, even more so when it is early
morning, after returning from a night out in the city.

It is of course understandable if you are a teenager, not so two, supposedly,
grown up forty something’s. To fully understand how my partner and her friend
managed to decide to go through with this course of action, I have included a
transcript of the conversation.

Partner, “I hate my hair I’ll have to get it cut, oh yes I will have another
beer.”

Friend, “I can cut hair, I’ll do it for you, oh here’s your beer, I may as well
have another myself.”

Partner, “OK then.”

Friend, “I’ll go and get the scissors, I may as well bring another few beers
while I’m standing.”

And the rest is, as you say, history, as is any shape, style, symmetry, and a
whole list of other ‘s’ words.

One last wouldn’t, I wouldn’t go out without a headscarf for a while.