Paedophiles out

Or perhaps not as the case may be. There appears to be a stigma attached to males working with children. The whole worry appears to solely be based on the persons’ gender.

I haven’t heard tales of unsubstantiated claims that your local crèche worker is a convicted sex offender, no they just happen to be male, and that of course makes them a paedophile, they don’t even have to have a beard and wear a rain Mac with a puppy in one pocket and a bag of sweeties in the other.

Since statistically women are more likely to physically abuse a child, should the chant be, ‘beaters out!’, and subsequently have no women working with children. In which case we are going to have to reduce the immigration laws on Borneo pygmies since we seem to have no other options, although a blowpipe can give you a nasty prick!

In one of previous incarnations, there have been so many, I worked for several years with both disabled and disadvantaged children.* Did I abuse any? Did I even think about abusing any? Short answer, no, and why? Because I’m not a bloody paedophile, along with 99% of the male population.

So let’s imagine I’m a single male, hard to imagine with an ass like that, but let go of your ability to overlook reality and go wild! I seem to be banned from theme parks, but what if I brought my father with me? Well for one I would look a bit of a twat wandering round Tayto park with an urn under my arm.

Where does it all stop, do I have to buy my monthly Crunchie on line as I’m obviously not welcome in sweetie shops. I’m glad I don’t go swimming, as that’s one hobby that would have to stop, swimming pools and beaches are definitely out of the question.

If I want to go for a walk through the local park I’m going to have to go and buy a bloody dog, which is going to piss the cat off no end. Actually that’s a bad idea, single male, puppy, park, damn it I’m going to have to buy a child, does anybody have Madonna’s phone number?

To be brutally honest there are a few pubs I know that I shouldn’t allowed in!

Yes child abuse in Ireland has been a shocking issue in the past, but in this enlightened age where we are no longer ruled by the Catholic Church and our constitution protects all in society equally, wait sorry did I miss that abortion referendum again?

This week a Cork women was given a one year suspended sentence, for what, for grabbing her baby from her push chair and squeezing her causing broken ribs, leg and arm. She pleaded guilty to assault, but was suffering from post natal depression, and the courts gave a years suspended sentence and her child back, are you having a laugh!

Let’s change the circumstances slightly, I drag my child form her buggy, squeeze her and cause that damage, then I’m a child abuser, oh but judge I’m depressed, well let’s be honest you’re going to be even more depressed in the ‘Joy’, is that what they call it these days, I know I’m just trying to be hip and cool, and probably failing badly.

Where have I gone wrong that I am such a pariah, being born male seems to do the trick. I even joined the ‘Boys Brigade’ as a child, which was a bit like the ‘Scouts’ but without the child abuse, or maybe I was just an ugly child.

Maybe I should become gay, I’m going to hell anyway, and it might be the only way I might get married, thanks again Leo, no wait that involves parks as well, and I’m not allowed in them, I’m stuck either way.

I know that we have to protect our children, but can we do it without the haze of paranoia. Our children are the most precious cargo we can carry, except of course from the few bottles of beer that you are drunkenly carrying home from the pub.

*See Helen, although not on display much, and admittedly you would probably need the assistance of 50 Columbian miners, (not minors, let’s get that straight), plus the equipment used to dig the channel tunnel to find it, even I have a soft side.