I've got a nut allergy but i'm still coming in

No you’re not, sorry if I am going to accidentally kill somebody I would prefer to do it outside of work.

So now we have to list allergens on everything, why? Are you not sure?

I will now list the allergens in fancy bullet points because I have found another button.

• Celery, it’s the devils vegetable anyway.
• Gluten, bad one, avoid the bread.
• Eggs, not good, avoid the omelette.
• Fish, easy to avoid unless you live in Dingle.
• Lupin, nobody knows what the hell that is so unlucky if you’re allergic.
• Milk, don’t order the latté.
• Molluscs, or are you just being shellfish, oh god did I just type that?
• Mustard, are you serious, no mayo, you poor bastard.
• Peanuts, not good, no snickers, though I still call them marathons, but I’m old school.
• Sesame seeds, just avoid there huphalump, or have I got that wrong?
• Shellfish, is that not the same as molluscs?
• Soya, Jesus if you’re an allergic vegetarian you’re in the shit.
• Tree nuts, don’t climb trees and avoid Nutella.
• Sulphur dioxide, it’s a preservative, don’t eat shit pre packed food.

I could be wrong, but I think I have just written the allergic survival manual. I know these conditions can be severe, and I am thankful that the only thing I am allergic to is twats, but do we have to put it all down in print, just in case you had forgotten that ordering the satay is a bad idea!

Again it seems to me that we are putting our time and well spent public service energy into creating new legislation for idiots.

This is either a health and safety bollocks, or as I think another bullshit legislation to let the insurance companies of the hook. I may be wrong but I think ‘Beware the ides of March’, is in the small print of my life insurance policy.

I no longer believe that we are part of a police state, we are part of a protect the idiots state. We have a caution contents may be hot on the side of a coffee cup, thanks, I was just about to pour it over my head, we might as well have a caution contents may be cold on the side of an ice cream tub.

We have ‘may contain nuts’ warnings on packets of peanuts, well I would hope so, you never quite know what you’re going to find in there. We have authorised personal only on gates with big padlocks on them, not sure, but I recon the authorised people are the ones with the keys to the padlock.

There are obviously a good few people that missed that physics lesson, but having to put an ‘electricity may cause death’ sign on the door of an electricity substation is really pandering to the idiots. Forgive me if I’m wrong but if you break into said substation and lick some humming wires you are an idiot and I for one have no interest in paying my taxes for your special education, padded cell, hospital bill or funeral.

I have thought of a few of my own that I think should be brought into legislation the next time some civil servant is bored with nothing to do. That should be today then I suppose.

I have listed them here in bullet points, they were supposed to be fancy but the buttons didn't work.

1. Contents may bight, on the jaw of a dog.
2. Contents may cause an erection, on the strap of a bra.
3. Contents may cause you to fall down stairs, on the side of a beer bottle.
4. Contents may cause pregnancy, on boxer shorts. (I kept that clean and didn’t mention cocks.)
5. Contents may make you ill, on the packaging of any frozen meal.
6. Contents may contain delusional idiots, on the door of any church.

I know my list is verging on the idiotic, but are they really any worse than what’s out there? What is wrong is there are actual idiots, apart from me, being paid to make this shit up. Just stop it, there is a lot of stuff in this country that needs fixing, if we put the energy into fixing that stuff instead of producing an idiot charter perhaps life for all would be better. As for me I’m off to climb an ESB pylon to see what’s at the top.